I want to have your abortion
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
