epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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