Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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