true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
