i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
