Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
