Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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