____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
