he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
