Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I will pee on everything he values.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.