Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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