"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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