I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
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Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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