Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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