On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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