Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
