so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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