1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You are the jesus of drinking
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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