hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
