Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
