Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
