Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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