she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We talked him into tasing himself.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
