from now on my penis is your penis
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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