Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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