I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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