her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
