I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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