half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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