Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
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I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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