last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
