Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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