i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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