you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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