the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
