So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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