I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
