I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
