final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
