I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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