Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We're too hungover to prance.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
