Betty ford says i'm here all night
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
