BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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