I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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