my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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