I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
