Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
