like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
