Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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