I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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