woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
