I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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