I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
