Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
