Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's never too late to be topless.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
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I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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