I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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